My Miscarriage

I had a miscarriage. I have decided to write my whole story down because as I found out, I know a very large number of women who have had miscarriages. But I didn't know about most of them. Even though I have been told by multiple doctors that 1 in 5 (or even as many a 1 in 2) pregnancies ends in a miscarriage, I felt alone. I was devastated. If my story helps even one woman, I believe that sharing this pain is worth it. My note may get rather graphic, so please be aware that parts may make you uncomfortable. Yes, I was pregnant. I know that many of you that I am very close to didn't know that. I was told to wait until the second trimester, in case I miscarried. I miscarried. Valentine's Day was supposed to be the first time we got to see our baby, our first ultrasound. I was 11 weeks as of that day. I couldn't wait to share our news with everyone! We had planned on sharing the incredible news with everyone else that evening. Valentine's Day this year was going to be even more incredible! The technician looked around my uterus and explained things to us as she looked around. Then she found our pregnancy. She asked us if our dates could be off, but they couldn't. Our baby should have been bigger. But the measurements showed that our embryo stopped growing after 6 or 7 weeks. Shock. Total devastation. Since the day after Christmas we had been planning for our lives to change. Then our lives changed again. After our appointment, I was told to call my primary care doctor. We saw her on Wednesday. Then on Thursday we saw a specialist, and it was decided that in our particular situation a d&c would be best. That even I was added onto the end of the surgery schedule. I checked into the hospital at 3:00. And we waited. BEWARE, THIS IS GRAPHIC: I had started to bleed a little bit the night before. While I sat waiting to be taken into pre-op in my hospital gown with my husband beside me, I had to use the facilities. That was when it happened. I lost our embryo before the surgery. What does one do in such a situation? What on earth was I supposed to do? All I could do for a minute was stare. I was looking at something the exact size of the measurements of the pregnancy that was in my uterus on Tuesday. I told the medical assistant, she put it in the notes. I frantically texted with my sister and a few friends, trying to decide what this meant. Would I no longer need a d&c? Did this mean my body was going to do this naturally after all? What was still left in my uterus? We waited another hour, then went up to pre-op. Bair Hug was it's name, instantly I felt warm and cocooned. Shortly thereafter my anesthesiologist came over. We talked but I wouldn't let her give me any medication until I talked to the ob/gyn. When I finally talked with her, she still recommended the d&c. This way we could be sure everything was cleaned out of my uterus and we would be able to try to get pregnant sooner. I had a team of 3 wonderful healthcare professionals there with me. The medicine the anesthesiologist gave me to relax was wonderful, I immediately felt a lift from the heaviness that weighed on me now. I was wheeled into the operating room and moved over onto the operating table. Then I was out. I woke up in recovery with a nurse sitting next to me, other nurses discussing a bar they were going to go to later. It was 7:30, it had taken me a half hour to wake up. Up to a room they took me, it was 8:00. My baby is gone. My nurse came in and introduced himself, "Son" and quickly told me he'd be right back with a menu because the kitchen was closing soon. 8:32 he returned with the menu. The kitchen had closed at 8:30. So I broke into my stores, the snacks I brought just in case. I hadn't been able to eat or drink since 8:00 that morning. Water felt so good. And as soon as I could eat, drink and pee, I could go home. My Little Rae's Bakery chocolate chip cookies tasted amazing. I was just so thankful to eat. I just wanted to go home, to lie in bed. We waited for the pharmacy to send up a prescription I had to have before they'd let me leave. The medicine came dosed differently from the doctor's prescription. Son put in a call. My doctor was in another surgery with another patient, we waited, and waited. Francis got more and more tired. I began to worry that he wasn't going to get enough sleep. And he has to get up at 3:45 (at the very latest) in the morning to go to work. I started to get hot, spiked a mild fever and watched Grey's Anatomy, then Private Practice... 11:05 came along with the call from my doctor. The pharmacy was right, I could take the medicine. 11:30 we left. By 12:05 I was in bed. Couldn't sleep, but couldn't really move. So I stayed in bed, awake. Cramping. It was too late to go to the pharmacy, I couldn't let Francis stay up any longer. I just took over the counter Motrin in the same dose the doctor prescribed. And then I slept. Thursday morning I made it down the stairs. More cramping, especially in my lower left abdomen. My baby is gone. Caught up on a weeks worth of DVRed shows. Food, oh yes I do need to eat.... What to eat? At 2:00 I finally order a pizza, my victory is making it to the door, signing the slip and managing to bring the box over to the couch. Surprisingly, very tasty. Then I realize "I'm not pregnant." My baby is gone. Sadness. Empty. Cramping. My lifeline, my sister calls to check in. She wants to do dinner together. I can't even imagine being awake at dinner time. I sleep. Francis comes home with a fever, it's already past 8:00pm. That's not good. And he's going into work the next day, Saturday. I give him Motrin and encourage him to sleep. Our baby is gone. There are still 9 messages on my voicemail. I can't even listen to one. I can't imagine listening to the messages. Every time I talk to someone, I cry. We've been waiting so long to become pregnant, and now I'm no longer pregnant. I just want to be pregnant again. All of the plans we'd made, things we'd changed... Everything changed again. Every decision made over the past 2 months has to be looked at again.

Please consider what you're going to say before you post it. Most people mean well but say things that aren't helpful and could be taken as insensitive. Yes, I know I can get pregnant. This is a good thing. I know God is with me, I don't feel alone. But I do feel a physical emptiness where I didn't have one. If you haven't had a miscarriage, I'm happy that you haven't had to feel this. And it's ok, nobody shares my exact situation. Nobody will quite understand what this means to me, what this meant to me and Francis. It's ok, I'm not lost. I am confused, and I am in pain. But it's ok. I'm ok. I have an incredible support system. We have had incredible support from my husband's work even though they're insanely busy and have so much to get done. My sister, my neighbors, my friends, my family, thank you for your incredible support. You have carried me these past few days. I'm going to be ok. God-willing, someday I will be a mom. But for right now, I'm ok.

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